Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
