No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
