My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
