I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
MIDGETS
????
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
