I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
