I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
