I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
