I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
