First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you inspire me to be a worse person
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
