he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
