Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
