got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
