i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
