I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
