I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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