Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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