I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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