do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
