Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
