if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
