I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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