Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
