I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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