Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
