I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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