Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
