My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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