Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
