I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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