She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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