Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
