I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
