How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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