I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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