Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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