Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
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she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
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Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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