she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
