you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
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My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
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Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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