you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
