guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, beer. Big fan.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
