this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
