I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
