She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just found a bag of teeth...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
