apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
