my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
