I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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