I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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