If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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