just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
