well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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