Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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