btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Someone came in the potted fern
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
