This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
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1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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