I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Too much gin, very little bucket
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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