Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
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because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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