Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
